I’ve been thinking about happiness and contentment.
Most of us want both. We want the pleasures available in each day, those moments when work goes well or someone is kind or the sun is warm on our shoulders; those moments when we FEEL happy. And we want the deep contentment that comes over time, as we know ourselves well and live more consistently with the integrity, courage, and compassion that are, for many of us, our governing values. We want to be happy; even more, we want contentment.
“It works best to realize that happiness is not a goal but a by-product.”
So here are a couple of thoughts from my own experiences. First, it works best to realize that happiness is not a goal but a by-product. The most delightful moments come not when we’re directly seeking pleasure but when we open ourselves to whatever is in front of us, to the work or person or idea or challenge that the day presents. Then, if the moment snags our desire, we go all in: work our asses off; let ourselves be transparent with the person in front of us; follow the idea down its rabbit hole; hurl ourselves at the new challenge.
When we let ourselves be captivated by such moments, we find happiness; we’re buzzed with the pleasure of the work or the person or the rabbit hole. We didn’t set out seeking the buzz. No, we were just moving along when something grabbed us and we went all in. And happiness happened, the by-product of this all-in moment.
Second, if happiness comes as a wonderful surprise, contentment takes time. It settles in slowly. We must distill what it is that makes us happy and what makes us upset with ourselves until we find, beneath these pleasures and disappointments, the values that govern us. Most of us will find more selfishness than we expected; dim it down. Perhaps we’re more courageous or more honest than we realized. Good for us.
The most precious virtue, the one that gives the greatest depth to our characters, is compassion. Go there, time and again. Practice empathy for whomever is in front of you. Reach out to them. Each time we exercise one of these values – when we’re more courageous and honest, when our empathy trumps our selfishness and compassion flows from us – we lay down another layer of character, of us at our best. And over time this crates deep contentment, a genuine delight in being who we are.
This journey toward contentment is not an easy one. Ah, but the satisfaction that comes when we realize that we are living out of this deep core is worth all the work of getting there.
That’s what I think. What do you think?