I’ve been thinking about friends and beloveds.

The proliferation of social media has changed the meaning of the word “friend.”  What was always a noun (“you are my friend”) is now used as a verb (“I want to friend you”).  And many of us now list among our friends people we have never seen or spoken to or had a cup of coffee with.  We’re virtual but not personal friends.  If we add these social network friends to our friends from work and school, neighbors and members of our special-interest groups, the average American adult has six-hundred-thirty-four ties in their social network. That’s a big number:  six hundred thirty-four.

“So we’re more connected but less intimate.  More social but with less emotional support.  More befriended but less beloved.”

Here’s another set of numbers.  In 1985, the average American adult had three confidantes, someone from whom they had few if any secrets, someone they could confide in whatever their circumstances.  By 2011, that average number was down to two.   Two people with whom to be transparent, from whom to find the emotional support each of us needs when night falls.  Twenty-five percent of us have zero – ZERO – confidantes, not one person in whom to confide.  And nineteen percent of us have one confidante, which puts us one divorce or death away from the zero category.

So we’re more connected but less intimate.  More social but with less emotional support.  More befriended but less beloved.

Beloved.  That’s a strange word.  It seems quaint, too sentimental, a bit out of date for our fast-paced, multi-befriended lives.  But I keep coming back to this word because it focuses on the one thing that ties us closely to those we trust with our transparent selves.  It refers to those we love.  Not just our friends, of whom we have so many, but those who know us through and through and love us still and all.

For me, the difference between friends and beloveds shows up in the character of our conversations.  Friends know bits and pieces of us.  Beloveds are those with whom we talk honestly, listen carefully, with insatiable curiosity, over time.  When necessary, we talk about anything and everything, even those most uncomfortable issues.  Such conversations are the expressions of whatever it means to love and be loved.  Be loved:  Beloved.

Such relationships cannot come quickly, and we don’t have the energy to extend this love to more than a few people.  But those who become our beloveds are the ones who walk with us when darkness falls, who listen without judgment to whatever we confess, who keep us sane when we feel trapped in confusion or despair.  It takes work to create such a relationship, but it is precisely in these beloved connections that we feel safe and not alone.

However many friends we have, they will not satisfy our craving for intimacy.  For this we need one or two beloveds.  In this culture where we, on average, have hundreds of friends, I hope you find your way into relationships with a few whom you love who love you, a few who are truly your Beloveds.

That’s what I think.  What do you think?